


‘S math sin!

by FaerieChild



Category: Lord John Series - Diana Gabaldon, Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gen, M/M, Modern AU, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:15:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26637193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FaerieChild/pseuds/FaerieChild
Summary: Crack!fic Modern Glasgow AU. Jamie Fraser and John Grey are heading home after a night out when a drunken Jamie notices the statue of the Duke of Wellington is missing its traditional traffic cone. Which obviously needs rectified immediately...
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser, Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser/Lord John Grey, Claire Beauchamp/Lord John Grey, Jamie Fraser/Lord John Grey
Comments: 32
Kudos: 68





	‘S math sin!

**Author's Note:**

> So the background to this story is that for over 30 years - long before the rest of the world got around to debating the correct treatment of statues - the good people of Glasgow decided that the city-centre statue of the Duke of Wellington, who beat Napoleon 200 years ago, really needed an orange traffic cone on his head. The Local Authority took it down. And then someone else (usually students) put it back up. This game continued for *several decades* with the council purportedly spending up to £10,000 a year to repeatedly take a traffic cone off the head of a bronze statue.
> 
> Things finally came to a head (excuse the pun) when Glasgow hosted the Commonwealth Games in 2014, an athletic and sports competition for a huge number of former British colonies from around the world. Not wanting to be seen as a laughing stock the council tried to find a permanent solution to the problem of the 30 year running battle over the orange traffic cone on the Duke of Wellington’s head...until the good people of Glasgow forced the Council into submission.
> 
> Instead of clamping down on it and hyper-policing the statue, the authorities finally embraced it. The opening ceremony of the Commonwealth Games in 2014 concluded with a shot of what has possibly become the most famous traffic cone in the world and the sports commentator saying, ‘In Glasgow you will never be allowed to take yourself too seriously.’
> 
> The cone has come to epitomise the city and its sense of humour. And if it ever comes down there is always a local mad enough to climb up onto this huge tall statue and make sure the Duke of Wellington has a traffic cone on his head.

** ‘S Math Sin!**

“Jamie...no. Absolutely not.”

Jamie grinned as he shrugged off his jacket and handed it to John Grey. “Jamie, yes!” Jamie replied.

John looked with trepidation up at the huge stone plinth on top of which sat an intimidatingly tall bronze horse and rider. The bottom of the horse’s hooves had to be ten foot off the ground. What Jamie was proposing made John’s stomach curdle.

“You’re drunk!”

“Aye,” Jamie confirmed. “Best time to do it in my experience.”

“You’ve done this before?”

Jamie didn’t reply but only winked. Or tried to...

It was dark, the streets were almost deserted apart from a rough sleeper curled up a few doors down and the slightly woozy smell of alco-pop flavoured vomit on the pavement outside a nearby club. Late enough that the rest of the party-heads had gone home. Early enough on this cold winter morning that much of the rest of the city had more sense than to be out of bed yet. It had rained at some point and dampness clung to everything. John was sure it would make the smooth surfaces of the marble and bronze even more treacherous than usual. If there was such a thing.

Jamie had to be out of his mind.

“James Fraser, under no circumstances can I permit you to climb onto a horse thirty foot in the air to put a traffic cone on his head.”

“Nonsense,” Jamie straightened himself up. “Practically a civic duty in these parts. Besides, ye ken fine it canne be more than fifteen. What sort of Glaswegian are you?”

“The English sort,” John replied seriously. But unfortunately for John’s nerves there seemed to be no dissuading Jamie Fraser. Not even the kilt or the billowing sleeves of his ghillie shirt he had worn to the cèilidh seemed to slow him down.

“Be a pal and give us a leg up, aye?”

“Absolutely not!”

Jamie grinned, leaned in and french kissed John on the lips.

John moaned slightly, leaning into the kiss and almost pouted when Jamie pulled away. “That’s not playing fair.”

“Give me a leg up _please_?” Jamie said this time. 

John glared at Jamie and Jamie’s eyes danced triumphant as the inevitable happened and John gave in. Being John he folded Jamie’s jacket before placing it on the least-disgusting piece of pavement he could find. “I don’t suppose this is the slightest bit legal,” John sighed.

“I hope not. Where’s the fun in it if it is?”

John closed his eyes for a moment, took in a deep breath and reminded himself that he loved this man.

For some reason.

Gathering himself, he finally approached Jamie and joined his hands together in a stirrup. Jamie’s foot stepped carefully into the stirrup and together they launched Jamie up to reach the top of the plinth where he could haul himself up and flashing half of Glasgow in the process.

“I suppose we can add public nudity to the charge sheet.”

“That’s a good Scottish tradition an’ a’ I’ll hae ye ken,” Jamie retorted. “We like a nice bare arse. Where’d ye put the cone anyhow?”

“What do you mean where did I put the cone?”

“I’m in charge of the climbing, you’re in charge of the cone.”

“I haven’t got a cone,” John pointed out reasonably. Apparently, Jamie’s drunk mind hadn’t quite thought through this plan. Sadly for John, his momentary relief at the thought that Jamie might have to climb down and they could all go home without the rest of the shenanigans quickly evaporated as Jamie pointed at the nearby, never-ending roadworks in George Square.

“You can’t be serious.”

“Do you love me or not, John Grey?”

At that moment however they were interrupted by another person clearing their throat. It was a woman with flowing dark hair that curled around her shoulders and beguiling amber eyes. She was dressed in a spectacular maxi-dress that showed off her figure and slightly worn make-up. “Sorry to interrupt, gentlemen. I couldn’t help but overhear and as I happened to be passing...” The woman pulled out a traffic cone - an actual orange traffic cone - from behind her skirts.

John and Jamie both stared at her, slightly entranced, then at each other. The woman looked from one to the other until Jamie finally cleared his throat and found his voice. “Aye...aye that’ll do. See, John. She loves me.”

John rolled his eyes.

The woman looked amused, at least. “Well get on with it then,” She chided Jamie. “We haven’t got all day, soldier.”

John closed his eyes as Jamie clambered arse over elbow up onto the horse giving those below a clear view up his kilt as he got himself into position. Finally with a rather impressive throw the woman tossed the cone up at Jamie who caught it and placed it securely on the head of the man on the horse.

“‘S math sin!” Jamie sighed.

John gave Jamie a long look askance. But clearly the nonsense was entertaining the woman who was now standing, arms crossed admiring Jamie’s physique. He watched with concern as Jamie started to head down only to watch him slither down almost effortlessly back to the ground.

Jamie grinned at John, an entire conversation taking place in their brief eye contact. John warning caution, Jamie diving in head first.

“Much obliged tae ye.” Jamie doffed an invisible cap.

The woman laughed and shook her head. “Claire.”

“Jamie. And this is John. My partner in crime.”

“Please to meet you John.”

John nodded politely at the woman and tried to pretend he wasn’t completely drawn to her strangely magnetic sort of presence. What was this? He didn’t even like women. _‘Usually’_ , His mind supplied.

A glance at Jamie told him his other half was having a similar sort of reaction. “More of the partner, less of the crime,” John added for Claire’s benefit.

Claire gave him an appraising look that was not at all what he expected. “The statue of the Duke of Wellington once more has a traffic cone on his head and all is again right with the world,” Claire looked from one to the other. “So...which way are you two going?”

Jamie looked at John with a question in his eyes and feeling Jamie’s eyes on him, John looked back. He regretted it instantly. 

Jamie’s eyes twinkled with the prospect.

“Jamie...No! Absolutely not!”


End file.
